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Krista: [00:00:00] This is Secret Mom Hacks episode number 27. My name is Krista and I am your host. It's August 9th, 2023, and today's episode is about calm parenting, a. k. a. yelling, and the negative effects it can have on our kiddos. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like yelling comes naturally to a lot of parents. And maybe not just even parents.

It seems like a normal tendency that when someone is not listening to us, just flat out ignoring a question or a request, it's natural to think that by raising our voices and becoming more agitated, we're going to elicit a response. Unfortunately, the angry yelling often ends in hurt feelings or crying, and that definitely is not the outcome anyone wants either.

This idea of calm parenting is very appealing to me. Now, in [00:01:00] no way do I have it mastered, and some days, I'll admit, I find myself yelling after two to three repeated attempts at calmly asking my daughter to do something, yet failing to get the outcome I'm looking for. Well, American physicist Richard Feynman coined the phrase, if you want to master something, teach it.

So, this is my attempt at mastering calm parenting. In today's show, I'm going to cover Some of the unfortunate effects yelling has on our kids. We'll share a few calming affirmations for us mommas who need a little more zen in our lives. And we'll talk through a couple of strategies to help us stay calm and centered for when we're in those moments of potential outbursts when our directives or requests are being ignored by our precious babes.

But before we get into those, I just want to say thanks for tuning in, momma. I started this podcast because babies don't come with instructions. As of this [00:02:00] recording, I am chasing around a 5 year old that no amount of googling, mom groups or what to expect books were able to prepare me for. There's a lot of stuff people don't talk about when it comes to pre pregnancy, during pregnancy and postpartum, and as someone who was previously terrified of all of the above, I'm here to help you pull back the curtain on all of it.

And every now and then, it may get a little messy, we may share a little TMI, but that's why you're here, right? My goal is you'll leave every episode feeling refreshed, inspired, and hopeful, knowing you are not on this mom journey alone. Now there's a lot of subject matter to cover when it comes to mom life, and we are covering it all.

So let's talk about calm parenting strategies by first talking about the potentially harmful side effects yelling has on children. Like I mentioned a moment ago, it may seem like an effective way to get someone's attention or make them listen, yelling at them, but it can have [00:03:00] negative effects on children's development and our relationship with them.

Some of the side effects of yelling at our children, number one, it can lower self esteem. Constant yelling and criticism can make children feel worthless, unloved and inadequate. And it can also affect their confidence and self esteem, leading to self doubt and insecurity. It can also create anxiety and stress.

When a child is yelled at repeatedly, it can create feelings of anxiety, stress, fear. It can make them anxious and fearful of making mistakes or expressing themselves, which can lead to social and emotional difficulties. It can damage relationships. It can cause emotional distance between parents and children, creating a rift in that relationship.

Children can become resentful, angry, and withdrawn, leading to communication breakdown and a loss of trust. It can also cause [00:04:00] aggressive behavior. Children who are exposed to constant yelling may begin to mimic that behavior, becoming aggressive themselves. They may also start to resort to shouting and yelling to solve problems leading to further conflict and tension in the family.

Yelling can also lead to emotional dysregulation in children. They may struggle to control their own emotions, leading to outbursts and meltdowns, which can be difficult for us parents to manage. I think we can all agree that all of these potential side effects of yelling on our kids, none of them are good.

I certainly don't want me yelling at my daughter to lower her self esteem, cause anxiety or stress, damage our relationships, lead to aggressive behavior or cause emotional dysregulation. None of us would want [00:05:00] that for our kiddos.

That's the reason I think it's so important to explore this path and talk about calm parenting. I realize that never ever yelling that may seem super unrealistic, but I think it's really important to understand the side effects and the ramifications of yelling and talk through some really helpful strategies to equip us to not yell because we certainly don't want to see these side effects taking root in any of our kiddos. Just to drive home some examples of those side effects with other families, I'm going to share a few stories with you. Amanda's 8 year old son started avoiding her after she yelled at him for not cleaning his room.

He became more withdrawn and less talkative, which made Amanda feel guilty and distant. Maria's four year old daughter started mimicking her yelling behavior whenever she wanted something. Maria realized that her own actions were contributing to her [00:06:00] daughter's aggressive behavior, and decided to work on her own anger management.

That is a perfect example of how our kiddos are like mirrors of us. They will reflect what we're doing. They're like little sponges. They see something, they hear something, they are going to model it. Emily's teenage son stopped confiding in her after she repeatedly yelled at him for being late. He felt like he couldn't trust her and he started seeking advice from his friends instead.

And lastly, Susan's 10 year old daughter started crying and shutting down any time Susan raised her voice. And Susan realized that her yelling was causing her daughter emotional distress and decided to work on her communication skills to avoid further damage to their relationship. Those are a few real world examples of how the effects of yelling can take hold in our children's lives and cause various types of [00:07:00] distress that none of us want to experience with our kids.

Now I'm going to share a few affirmations with you and then we're going to talk about some strategies and tips for when we get into those tense and stressful moments. I love affirmations and I actually have 10 calming affirmations for moms.

I'm going to read three to you and then I'm going to put the rest of them in the show notes over at secretmomhacks. com. I believe in the power of affirmations. I truly believe how we speak to ourselves and what we put into our heads. It can speak life or death into your day and I fully believe in speaking life into my day and speaking hope and being realistic about what I want to experience in a given day and where I want my mind to be.

So I'm going to give you a few of these affirmations. I hope they're helpful to you. I'm going to read each one twice, and then as I mentioned, I will have [00:08:00] all of these affirmations in the show notes over at secretmomhacks. com. The first affirmation is, I choose to respond with love and compassion even in challenging moments.

I choose to respond with love and compassion even in challenging moments. Now, the reason I specifically love that affirmation so much is because we can control how we respond. We get to choose how we respond to situations. I think a lot of people like to think, well, she made me do it, or the way she responded caused me to explode, or whatever.

But I think we also have to take a moment, step back and realize that we have the power to choose our responses. So, I love that affirmation saying, I choose to respond with love and compassion even in challenging moments. If we start our day [00:09:00] with that one affirmation, I think that gives us so much power as we're going about our day and having those different experiences with whether it's a family member, or our children, or a friend, or a neighbor, or whomever.

The next affirmation is, I am grateful for the opportunity to parent my child and watch them grow. I am grateful for the opportunity to parent my child and watch them grow. I think this is such a powerful affirmation because we should be grateful for the opportunity to parent our children and watch them grow.

Sometimes it's easy to get bogged down with the craziness of life and family things and chores and commitments outside the home and things that are on TV, right? It's really easy to just get lost and And not take that moment to express gratitude and think, [00:10:00] wow, we are so lucky.

We have been entrusted with this precious little human who is also figuring life out. I don't have all the answers. We, us parents, we don't have all the answers. We don't have everything figured out, right? There's no guidebook to this thing called parenting. And so if we don't have everything figured out, we certainly cannot expect our little baby humans to have everything figured out.

So we should be grateful for that opportunity to parent our children and watch them grow and help them grow. And the final affirmation I'm going to share with you in today's episode is... I am worthy of love and respect and I choose to treat myself and my children with kindness and compassion. We are all worthy of love and respect.

You are, I am, our spouses are, our partners are, our [00:11:00] children are, our other family members are worthy of love and respect. And so I think this is such an important affirmation because in those moments, especially if we're being yelled at, I think it's, it's important to take a step back and think, okay, I am worthy of love and respect.

I do not deserve to be yelled at, nor do my children deserve to be yelled at. They are worthy of love and respect. So we are all worthy of love and respect. And I choose to treat myself and my children with kindness and compassion.

Unfortunately, I think some people have a worthiness problem. They don't see their worth. They think they deserved to be yelled at and be disrespected. And I am here to tell you, if that is you, you are worthy of love and respect and so are your children. So it's really important. [00:12:00] That we show each other, that we believe that, that each of us are worthy of love and respect.

We choose to treat ourselves and our children with kindness and compassion. At the end of the day, we're all doing the best we can. And so when we get in the thick of those moments and we just want to start, I told you to do this, blah, blah, blah, right? It's really important to take that step back. Think about one of these affirmations, like I said, I'm going to arm you with 10 of them in the show notes, but maybe it's one of these three that you're going to pick and just take a beat to think that through and say, okay, this is a tiny human.

I don't have all the answers. They don't have all the answers. We're all just figuring it out. How can I show this little human love and understanding? And I think that just really reframes the whole conversation. You've gotten this far in the episode, we all recognize [00:13:00] the negative effects that yelling can have on our children.

So as we move towards the end of this episode, I want to equip you with a few strategies that you can implement for positive reinforcement, empathy, and active listening as you're parenting your kiddos. These are all things that I am trying to implement with my parenting style as I get in those heated moments with my daughter ignoring me or just not listening, not doing what I've asked.

So I have a couple of tips that I want to share with you that can hopefully help all of us stay calm and centered. So the first tip is to just take a deep breath Oh, that wasn't a very deep breath. We're going to do it one more time.

Oh, doesn't that just feel good? That deep cleansing [00:14:00] breath, man, in the thick of it, especially when you feel your emotions escalating, taking that deep breath, counting to 10 maybe before you respond, this can really help you pause and just gather your thoughts before reacting. Not to mention, it just feels good.

Okay, the next tip is to express your emotions. If you're feeling frustrated or if you're stressed out, it's okay to express those emotions, but let's do it in a calm and respectful manner. This can help your child Understand your perspective and and promote healthy communication.

It's 100% Okay to talk about our emotions and our feelings What's not okay is when we let these angry outbursts take over our body, right? It's okay to say, I'm feeling a little frustrated right now so I just need to step away for a [00:15:00] minute and I just need to Go be calm over here. I need to step aside for like two minutes and just Compose myself.

That's totally okay to do or I'm feeling sad. Whatever those feelings are it's okay to talk about them, but it's in those moments where we just feel like we can explode and We start to yell that can have those damaging effects on our kiddos The next tip is to use positive reinforcement So, instead of criticizing or yelling, trying to use that positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior.

So, that can include praise, rewards, maybe it's an allowance, verbal affirmations, and so on. The next tip is to listen actively. When your child is upset or expressing themselves, try to actively listen to their concerns and validate their feelings. This can help build trust and promote [00:16:00] that healthy communication that we all want.

Something that I found is helpful, you know, when my daughter and I are talking about something and she's telling me that she's angry or she's sad or whatever. I will try to repeat that back to her and say, thank you for letting me know you're, sad. What's making you sad today? And we'll talk through that.

And I found that that does help her to open up a little bit more and figure out what's causing those feelings of sadness and say, it's okay to feel those feelings. Sometimes we're all going to be a little sad and that's okay. And those feelings and emotions, they ebb and flow.

And when our Children hear us repeating back to them what they've told us, That's showing them, okay, I hear you, I care for you, I am listening and I want to help you. And then lastly, shocker here, we're talking about self care. Practicing self care. We talk a lot about self care [00:17:00] here on this podcast. So, this is a great tip to round out the episode.

It's really important to prioritize your own self care. Whether that's taking a relaxing bath, Going for a walk, practicing mindfulness, knitting, painting, cooking, whatever it is that you do for your self care by taking care of yourself, you will be better equipped to handle those challenges of parenting with a calm and centered mindset.

Okay, and lastly, seeking support. We all know parenting can be challenging, thus the reason this podcast even exists, because babies don't come with instructions. It is okay to ask for help. It's okay to talk about it. Reach out to family, friends, or maybe a professional for support and guidance when you need it.

There is no shame in asking for help. There is no shame in seeking therapy. In fact, I will [00:18:00] tell you I have been through therapy. I have had a life coach. I have had a therapist for various reasons and various seasons in my life, and I cannot express enough the value that there is in therapy.

So if you've been thinking about seeking therapy, just do it. There are so many different avenues these days for getting therapy, whether it's in person, Wherever you live, or whether it's remotely, there are lots of virtual options now for seeking therapy as well. So no excuses! If that's something you're pondering, take that step forward and explore what therapy could look like for you.

Well here we are, we have reached the end of today's episode of Secret Mom Hacks. Thank you for being here, I appreciate you spending some time with me today, and really hope you found this helpful. This perspective on yelling and calm parenting and the [00:19:00] affirmations and tips. I hope you found all of this helpful.

If that's the case, please subscribe for free if you haven't already, give me a five star rating, and leave a review sharing your favorite takeaway so far. Make sure you stop by SecretMomHacks. com where you can find transcripts, resources, and more. Stay tuned for next week's episode, and until then, you've got this mama.


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