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Krista: [00:00:00] Let's talk about self-care. So yes, I love that you mentioned walking. I've been on this Fitness and wellness journey over the last two years, I started walking a lot during the pandemic and weight shifting up and down and really was, outside of being pregnant was the heaviest I had been earlier this year.

And so about 2 years ago, though, started running and have developed this huge love for running. So, I don't run every day, but I at least try to get out and walk, like hit 10, 000 steps every day. And between the walking and the running and now just healthier habits, I've actually lost about 17 pounds over the last four or five months, I guess.

I'm excited for that. So for the longest time, I would feel guilty about trying to squeeze in that 30-minute walk or that 15-minute walk or doing the workout in the morning or whatever it may be, But [00:01:00] something I've learned is it's not selfish because in order for me to show up for the people I love, I have to take care of myself because these things do manifest in The anxiety it just in my body feeling like I need to get out and move like do something besides folding the laundry and making the meals and working and doing all of the things that we have to get done in the day.

No, just speaking from my personal experience, I am no longer going to feel guilty about doing something for myself because I don't want to show up and be ugly to people and I'm going to be ugly if I don't do this for myself because when I've made that me time. Then I feel like I can finally be present and engaged with others.

So from your perspective, how do you recommend, we all have different personalities and different interests. When I tell some people I run, they're like, Never. [00:02:00] Like, not gonna do it. And if you told me five years ago that I would be running and doing 10 miles and 5Ks and 10Ks, all this, I would have laughed in your face.

So I know some people aren't into running. Maybe they're into painting or whatever else it may be, just getting that body moving. What recommendations do you have for moms to just set aside that guilt and pursue self-care as regularly as needed to help them be 

Michelle: present and engaged.

So that's, that's so awesome. First of all, that you're like doing all of this. I love it. I think, okay. So I have a lot of thoughts about this. Let me start self-care. I think the first thing is really just embodying this understanding that no one wins. When we don't take care of ourselves, it's not better for us.

It's not better for our kids. It's not better for our partners. It's not better for, for anyone, right? No one wins when we don't take care of ourselves. No one benefits from that. So we really have to get under, there's a story under any guilt that's associated [00:03:00] with that and getting curious and exploring what those stories are beneath the guilt for caring for ourselves can be really.

Powerful, right? Maybe we saw our mom who was just like kind of this martyr personality who just like gave everything for her family or she had comments about, you know, the neighbor or your aunt who would go get her hair done or something. And there's this story that you were conditioned to believe is like, I'm not worthy of.

 Splurging on this or this, you know, doing this is selfish or something like that. There's some story in there that's underlying any guilt that we feel when we're taking care of ourselves. So I think that's a good place to start even just journaling that or getting curious, like, what is it about this that just feels like it's not what I should be doing?

Or what's the story here that I'm believing? And then I think the second part was self-care and it's kind of what you were getting at, which I love so much is that I think as moms today, we really have to redefine what self-care actually is for us. Because I think we hear that term thrown around a lot and it's [00:04:00] like, oh, just go get like a 200 massage or just go like get a mani-pedi or just go like retail therapy or something like that.

And it's like, is that actually self-care, right? What's the purpose of self-care? It's not to dissociate. It's not to disconnect. It's not to I don't know, just numb out. It's really to allow ourselves to recharge in a way that is good for our nervous system, right? That helps us to feel better holistically, our mental health, our emotional health, our physical health, our spiritual health, so that we can show up better.

One, not only it's like... I always hear this thing like, you know, you can't pour from an empty cup. And it's like, yeah, that's, that's true. And I also deserve to have a full cup. Like, I don't just take self care, do self-care. So my kids can have a better mom or my husband can have a better wife. I do it because I also deserve to experience a life where I'm not burnt out and miserable, right?

We all do. So I think that's awesome. So a good place to start. I like to [00:05:00] coach my clients and three. Daily things. I think they're all forms of self care and I think that it's a really powerful place to start. in setting a foundation for a healthy and regulated nervous system. So the first thing is 10 minutes of movement, at least 10 minutes of movement every single day, regardless of what that looks like.

So if you're a runner, like, good on you, that's awesome. If you're someone who does not move much, and just sitting on the floor and stretching, during your lunch break, start with that, right? But just trying to move your body every single day. And then the second thing is 10 minutes of stillness. So many of us...

Are so overstimulated, probably all of us, I would venture to say as moms, right? Overstimulated, overbooked over committed. We are under-resourced undersleep. Like there is no, there's very little intentional time I think that we take to really quiet the noise. So 10 minutes a day, if that feels very uncomfortable for you, [00:06:00] for a lot of us, that if that's a new practice, that will feel very, very uncomfortable to your nervous system because, it's out of practice, right?

It's not a pattern that you run to have that stillness. Start with 30 seconds. Start with a minute, right? Go for a walk without your earbuds and without your phone and just allow yourself to actually be with your thoughts or with nature. If you, if you can get your movement in and your stillness in at the same time.

I think that's a, that's a great practice. And then the third form of self-care that I think is really powerful and you were kind of alluding to this too is, is I call it play 10 minutes of play every day, but play is. So misunderstood and it's so underrated as a form of self-care and a form of nervous system regulation.

It's powerful in regulating our nervous system and we've just come to this place where we think play is just for kids or we don't have time for play or that's like, we just don't understand, but really finding things that light you up. So it could be a hobby. Maybe [00:07:00] you are creative. Maybe it's, you know, grabbing your skateboard or signing up for a women's.

Soccer club or baking or, running, whatever it is, something that really lights you. If you can do that on the regular for a few minutes a day, that is a powerful form of self care. And I think so many of us, especially in early motherhood. I feel really disconnected from our identities. It's like, who am I now?

I talked to so many women that are like, my kids are like eight, nine years old now. And I like, who am I? I don't even know what I like anymore. What interests me anymore? Like my life has been hijacked. So this is a beautiful way for us to really reconnect to like, what is Michelle like?

My kids invite me to play Barbies with them and I hate it. I hate it. You guys, like, I'll be honest. I, I hate it. So for me, like, I'll do it sometimes, but like, that will not be my 10 minutes of play because that does not light me up. But there's other things I love to do with my kids.

I love to play outside with them. I love to play board games with them. I love to [00:08:00] whatever, create with them. So those things might qualify, but just things that really light you up. If you can include that, I think that's a great start.

Krista: You know, and I feel like maybe it was even during the pandemic, for example, like adult coloring books.

I feel like those really took off. I may have one. I may have ordered colored pencils and markers just for myself. I love that. Now do I do it often? No, I probably, I probably should put it on my calendar because what gets on my calendar gets done. Generally.

Michelle: There you go. 

Krista: Do you mind to share a personal experience where you had to apply your own calm parenting techniques to navigate a difficult situation?

Michelle: Yeah, I mean, I feel like it happens every day. Every day, right? It's like something happens or like my kids are moving slow in the morning and we're running late. I'm like, put your shoe, like everything in me just wants to be like, put your shoes on or I've asked you like [00:09:00] eight times to go brush your teeth.

Or things that, you know, my husband will do or say that I know, yeah. Five years ago before I had this awareness would have really triggered me or set me off. So if I can think of a particular example, I mean, our kids, our kids are just like, our kids know how to crack us open, man. There is no invitation.

To personal growth that is deeper than I think having a child they just a mirror everything in us that is like ripe for expansion and growth. So I give them, I give them credit for that and I thank them for that. But it doesn't, it's not always comfortable and it's not always pleasant as, as growth tends to be.

So, yeah, there, there's things that my kids do and, and my kids are great, just like your kids are great. And my kids are, you know, also just kids and raising little human beings with, you know, undeveloped brains is really frustrating at times. So things, things honestly happen every day. And I know five years [00:10:00] ago, I would have.

been snapping a lot more. I would have been yelling a lot more. I would have been frustrated a lot more. I would have been sitting in my unexpressed emotions and feeling resentment and bitterness probably a lot more. My boundaries were not healthy five, five, six years ago. So doing a lot of growth around that and really like the stuff still, I still get triggered.

Like all of us will get triggered always because life just keeps on lifing. Like it doesn't just stop. But the thing is now that I've grown in that awareness that I can catch it so fast, right? And I've actually empowered my kids. They're a little, little older now, five and six. But when they start to notice my cues, like they notice, like for me, when I get really, really upset, my voice actually gets really low and like, like move or like something like that.

You know? And they're like, right. Same. Same. Yeah. Some people get really loud when they're angry. I get like really quiet when I'm angry. And they'll be like, mom, I think you need a [00:11:00] breath or like, mom, I think you need a break. And I'm like, you know what? Even this morning my daughter, I was getting frustrated, getting them to school.

My daughter's shoe was untied and she wasn't stopping to tie it. And then I ended up stepping on it and she turned around and just glared at me. And I'm like, girl, I've been telling you to tie your shoes. But then my little one's like, mom, I think you need a hug. And I'm like, You're so right.

I do need a hug. So like, yeah, so they'll catch me and remind me. But then it's really just using the tools that I've practiced and know that my nervous system will respond to to get me back to that place where I'm like, okay. Ready to go now. Kids, 

Krista: Manan, they pick up on everything. They really are little sponges.

And, and truly, they are mirrors. Because it's so funny the things I'll notice my daughter saying that I have said before or just matching that energy. It's, it's wild. It's wild. Yeah. Well, what [00:12:00] advice do you have for parents who are trying to maintain a sense of calm maybe when their approach differs from that of their partner or perhaps from other family members like grandparents 

Michelle: yeah. So I think probably first is just communication, like whatever approach you're wanting to take with your kids when it comes to parenting or how you respond to certain things or how you discipline your children. Right? All of those things are philosophies that are so personal. And I think explaining a lot of the why behind those can be really helpful to people.

Like, Explaining to your husband, Hey, I think this is how I'd like to respond when X, Y, and Z happens. This is why, right? Do you think you could join me in that? And I think that's a great place to start in laws, your own parents, whatever, just communicating. But then I think the second part, and this is probably going to be.

Convicting or challenging to a lot of us moms is really being [00:13:00] faced with the level of control that we actually have. Right. Because a lot of times it's just accepting, like the only control we really have is over our own actions and our own, right. Our own words. So understanding like, if I'm really feeling this deep need to control how my husband responds or how my in laws respond to my kids or.

Our parenting or our disciplining what's beneath that and typically right beneath a need to control is one of two things. It's either feeling that we are. unsafe or insecure or our children are, right? So if we're feeling like we need to control because something is unsafe, obviously that needs to be addressed.

Or the second thing is we feel like we need to control when we feel like there's a threat to our acceptance or our love or something like that. So that's just something to explore also, if we're feeling this need to control others. And then if it's neither of those two, and we're just like, Micromanaging and why everything, everything to be done our way it's really just coming [00:14:00] to an embodied acceptance of like, I can't control right how other people are speaking.

I mean, and I'm talking like there's there are obviously boundaries here, right? Like I wouldn't allow people to just like yell at my child. But if maybe, you know, someone is feeding my kid, like with my mother in law's feeding my kids stuff that I wouldn't necessarily feed them. I have to decide like how, how much of it Big deal.

Is that to me? Do I need to set a boundary around that or can it just be okay? And I think a lot of times between, especially partners in raising children. So like you and your husband or however that that partnership is like, I had to remind myself a lot in the early years that like, God gave his kid to parents and my husband does not have to do it exactly how I do it as much as that might grind my gears or drive me crazy.

But there are things that he's just going to do differently and it's probably to our kid's benefit and how can I get to a point where I'm okay with that? Where I'm controlling what I can control where I'm [00:15:00] honoring his, you know, decisions to do things even if they're different than what I expected.

All within, you know, the boundary of like, are our children, you know, safe and being loved and cared for. Obviously that's primary. And then I think beyond that, a lot of it is just getting comfortable with things not being done, how we would necessarily do them. 

Krista: OKay. So let's talk failure.

Let's talk about self doubt. I feel like we all have those days where we're just like, What am I doing? Or, or what was that? Why did I respond that way? My kid is gonna hate me or I maybe they're not going to hate me, but it's like that was just I should not have responded that way. I feel like such a failure.

What am I doing? I think those are all feelings we can. Relate to probably feelings I cycle through, you know, a couple times a week, every, every now and then, but how can listeners [00:16:00] reframe their perspective on these emotions to foster personal growth, maintain that, that calm demeanor? I know speaking personally.

I really try, when I have that bad day, I try to just think, you know, this is just a day and it's just one day and it was a situation and hopefully 15 years from now, neither of us are going to remember this moment and tomorrow will be a new day and we're going to, we're going to try this again and 

Michelle: I, 

Krista: to your point, I can only control what I can control and I'm, I am going to do better at controlling, regulating my feelings.

Yeah. And emotions. So. Yeah. 

Michelle: What's your perspective? Yeah. I love that. So I think the first thing is really kind of what you were getting at with all the questions is that I've had to really be intentional about reframing my thought patterns when that comes up because I think it does for all of us. Like parenting is really hard and.

We also really care and want to do a good job. So like you put those two things [00:17:00] together. It's like, yeah, of course, all of this stuff's going to come up for us. But I've had to be really intentional about reframing my, my response and my mindset and response to those times where I show up not in the way that I wanted to.

And I think the biggest shift I have to offer. You guys listening there is to really shift from being judgmental to coming at it from a place of curiosity. So instead of being judgmental and be like, wow, Michelle, you totally blew that, like that was awful, your kids are never going to recover, you're the world's worst mom, like they're going to need therapy, like whatever's like judgmental stuff would come up to really shift it and be like, whoa, what just happened there?

How did I get to that place where I just like lost it on my kids? Maybe it's because, I was up seven times last night because my youngest, peed the bed and then got sick or maybe it's because I haven't eaten and it's 4 p. m. today or maybe it's because, I'm super stressed out about this work project and I haven't asked for any help or set any boundaries.

There is a reason why we do everything we do none of us are just yelling at our kids because it's [00:18:00] super fun and awesome. And we want to be doing that right? There are reasons why we do all this stuff. So just getting curious about that. And that helps to grow our awareness. So we can do something about it and not repeat that same pattern.

So I think that's a really good place to start. And then second, I think it's also a mindset shift is understanding that our kids do not need perfect parents proof Perfect parents do not exist, our kids need present parents. Our kids need parents who are connected, right? Where they can form a secure attachment with us.

They need parents who are, I think, honest and vulnerable when we mess up because we're human and our kids are also going to mess up. And through that, there are beautiful opportunities for parenting and coaching and being like, once everyone's regulated, right? Being like, Hey. Taking accountability. We can teach our kids so much accountability when we mess up.

I yelled at you today when I was getting frustrated and there's nothing that you do to make me yell at you, right? [00:19:00] You're the kid and I'm the parent. It's up to me not to yell. It's not your job to behave and make sure I don't yell. It's on me. I'm sorry I yelled at you today. Here's what I'm going to do the next time I notice that I'm getting frustrated so that I can calm myself down before I yell, right?

It's okay for me to get really angry. All of our emotions are okay. But I can't do whatever I want when I'm angry. I cannot yell at you when I'm angry. Do you forgive me? Or however that looks like, right? And in that, we're teaching them so much. Like, how many of us are like, My parents never apologized to me, and I'm like 40 years old.

Or whatever it is. We're teaching them accountability. We're teaching them that things happen. We're teaching them they don't have to be perfect all the time. But then I think the second half of that is then we actually have to follow through. So if we tell our kids these things, right, we grow in trust with them when the next time they see that we're getting aggravated and we actually do what we said we're going to do.

And that actually deepens our bond and it deepens these things that we want to foster in our minds when we're like, yeah, I feel super connected to my [00:20:00] kids. I feel like we're in a good groove here. All of that can actually come and grow and get stronger. From some of our mess ups. 

Krista: So good.

Well, how do you keep it all together? We just have another question or two here, Michelle. So, we're nearing the end. How, how do you keep it all together? 

Michelle: All the things. I don't know if this is going to like sound. Sound opposite, I guess is the word that's coming to me. But I think part of how I quote unquote, keep it together is that I don't really try to keep it all together.

Cause I think sometimes, and maybe in my previous life. I felt so much pressure to do everything well and have a clean home. If I was having people over or family staying with us, I just remember stressing about the house being perfect and deep cleaning the freezer and all of this stuff, or it's showing up in my workspace or making sure my kids had matching outfits and done hair.

And all that was doing was making me. [00:21:00] miserable and dysregulated. And the more I was able to just release so much of that and really grow in this understanding that we're only ever playing one of two games as human beings. We're playing an inside out game or an outside in game. And I think I ask myself that a lot, like when I'm playing the outside in game, you know, everything that's going on around me is having an impact on how I feel about myself.

So I only feel as good as whatever, the car I drive, the job I have, how well behaved my kids are, how strong my marriage feels, how nice my house is, whether it looks like Pinterest, how many Instagram followers I have, you know, like just name it, all of the things that we allow to impact how we're feeling.

But when I'm playing the inside out game, I get to decide, yeah, you can come over and my house is like, And there's toys everywhere. And the dog is bringing in now fruit from our backyard and eating it on the couch. So my couch has all of these stains on it. And my bathrooms are not perfectly scrubbed and I'm [00:22:00] showing up to work today, you know, with my hair and like a top knot and it's great and it's okay because I know who I am and I have, you know, this, this sense of peace and confidence that comes from the inside, regardless of what.

is going on around me. And I think that allows me to just show up in a different way. I don't know if that means I have it all together, but I certainly feel like I have it more together than I did when I was actually trying to hold it all together. And then I think the second part to that man is just boundaries.

I think sometimes we feel like we don't have it together because we're just trying to do too much. Like we're beyond our Physical capacity. So learning how to say no, learning how to really, you know, schedule in white space in our calendar and create that margin, just slowing down. Actually allowing ourselves to operate within our capacity helps us to feel like we can.

Do what we got to do. 

Krista: That was [00:23:00] perfect. I feel like we have covered so much. Listeners are going to walk away with advice and tactics they can implement immediately. This is so, so good. What did I not ask that you feel like is important to include? 

Michelle: I think just that constant reminder of getting curious instead of judgmental, not just with ourselves, but man, it's powerful with our kids, right?

Like our kids are having a temper tantrum or losing it or irritable. And it's like, Hey, can I get curious about what's going on here instead of being like, snap out of it or why are you in such a bad mood or whatever? And then I think just the other thing I would offer is that especially when our kids are I try to remind myself that the things that I am stressing out about, I probably have a very skewed perception of how important this actually is.

So we have stressed, I mean, just think about when your own kids were younger, right? However old they are, like the things that we stressed out about having to come home from the hospital, all of this [00:24:00] whole list, right? On our registry or like all of these different, like what kind of formula or whether we were going to like do this kind of.

feeding or that. And it's like, now you look back and you're like, how important was all of that actually? Right. And I tell myself that even now, like what school is our kid going to go to? Or what like kind of philosophy of parenting am I going to choose or whatever? And it's like, no, just like understand that in the big picture, if you show up consistently and are connected with your children.

Like that's it. Everything else is gravy, but you actually are doing your kids a better service, I guess, of like not panicking or overstressing all the little things and just remembering. It's hard in the moment, but trying to remember to have some of that perspective. 


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